NFL WEEK 1: SOME TEAMS LOOKED GOOD, SOME TEAMS LOOKED JACKED

The first NFL Sunday of the season is done.

Some teams looked good.

Some teams looked Jacked.

Some people are already planning their Super Bowl victory party, and some people are already saying, “THE SEASON IS OVER!”

Everybody calm down.

It’s the first week.

Almost everybody still has a chance.

Well…

Maybe not everybody.

Because some teams looked ABSOLUTELY JACKED yesterday.

But it’s one game. We’ve got an entire season ahead of us, and technically Week 1 isn’t even over yet.

We’ve still got two teams that haven’t played.

The Chiefs and Broncos tonight on Monday Night Football.

So before everybody decides who’s going to the Super Bowl and which coach needs to be fired, here’s what happened on the first NFL Sunday of the season.

BEARS 59, PANTHERS 37

Apparently defense was optional.

59 points?!

If you’re a Bears fan, you’ve already bought Super Bowl tickets.

Caleb Williams went 21-of-29 for 269 yards and two passing touchdowns, and he added two more touchdowns on the ground. D’Andre Swift ran for 124 yards and three touchdowns, and Kyle Monangai added 100 yards and a touchdown.

Chicago piled up 552 yards of offense.

Carolina actually put up 478 yards themselves. Bryce Young threw for 361 yards and three touchdowns.

And they still lost by 22.

That’s not great.

UNJACKED: The Bears offense.

JACKED: Anybody who bet the under.

RAVENS 41, COLTS 23

Derrick Henry is apparently still Derrick Henry.

Baltimore put up 506 yards, Lamar Jackson threw for 324, and Derrick Henry ran for 144 yards and three touchdowns.

Zay Flowers caught five passes for 150 yards, including a 54-yard touchdown.

Indianapolis wasn’t terrible. Jonathan Taylor ran for 98 yards and scored twice.

Baltimore was just a whole different level.

The Ravens looked exactly like a team that expects to be playing deep into January.

Unfortunately for the rest of the AFC…

UNJACKED: Baltimore.

STEELERS 20, FALCONS 13

Aaron Rodgers is still here.

At this point I assume Aaron Rodgers will be playing quarterback when he’s 74.

Rodgers went 24-of-40 for 221 yards and a touchdown in Pittsburgh’s win.

But the play of the game came from the Steelers defense.

Atlanta was hanging around at 13-10 when T.J. Watt intercepted Cooper Rush and took it to the house.

That’s about as Jacked Up a way as possible to lose a football game.

Rush finished with two interceptions.

UNJACKED: T.J. Watt.

JACKED: Throwing the football anywhere near T.J. Watt.

JAGUARS 34, BROWNS 10

Cleveland…

We may need to talk.

Jacksonville was up 24-0 at halftime and 31-0 early in the third quarter.

Trevor Lawrence went 18-of-23 for 245 yards and four touchdowns with no interceptions.

Jacksonville didn’t turn the ball over once.

Cleveland turned it over twice, committed 11 penalties and basically spent the afternoon watching Jacksonville play football.

It’s Week 1.

I’m not saying the Browns’ season is over.

But…

This is one of those teams I was talking about at the beginning.

UNJACKED: Trevor Lawrence.

JACKED: Cleveland.

BENGALS 33, BUCCANEERS 27

Four fumbles will generally do it.

Tampa Bay actually made this interesting late, but there’s one number that pretty much explains the game:

FOUR LOST FUMBLES.

The Buccaneers turned it over four times.

Cincinnati turned it over once.

Joe Burrow threw for 254 yards and a touchdown, while Baker Mayfield went 23-of-28 for 216 yards and ran for a touchdown.

Tampa Bay got within six late, but Cincinnati closed it out.

This wasn’t some disaster for the Bucs.

But four lost fumbles?

That’s Jacked Up.

JETS 23, TITANS 10

The Jets are 1-0.

Yes.

Those Jets.

Geno Smith went 19-of-24 for 215 yards with no interceptions, Breece Hall ran for 102 yards and a touchdown, and New York controlled the ball for almost 39 minutes.

Tennessee managed only 195 total yards.

Cam Ward threw a touchdown late, but Tennessee spent most of the afternoon going nowhere.

I’m not ready to start planning the Jets’ Super Bowl parade.

But they’re 1-0.

Enjoy it, Jets fans.

UNJACKED: Breece Hall.

JACKED: Tennessee’s offense.

LIONS 31, SAINTS 30 — OVERTIME

Now THIS was a football game.

New Orleans was down 21-0 in the third quarter.

Then everything went crazy.

Tyler Shough threw for 410 yards and three touchdowns, and the Saints fought all the way back to force overtime.

Detroit scored first in OT when Jared Goff found Amon-Ra St. Brown for a touchdown.

New Orleans answered with a touchdown of its own.

And instead of kicking the extra point to keep playing…

The Saints went for two.

They didn’t get it.

Game over.

31-30.

I love the decision.

You’re on the road. You just came back from 21 down. Go win the damn game.

It didn’t work.

But I still love it.

UNJACKED: Tyler Shough for almost pulling that off.

UNJACKED: Detroit for surviving it.

JACKED: Saints fans’ blood pressure.

BILLS 36, TEXANS 31

Josh Allen doing Josh Allen things.

This one was good.

Josh Allen threw for 334 yards and two touchdowns, ran for two more, and Buffalo scored the game-winning touchdown with 1:41 left when Allen hit Josh Palmer for 34 yards.

Houston still had a chance.

C.J. Stroud drove the Texans into Buffalo territory in the final minute.

Then Buffalo’s defense went:

Sack.

Sack.

Forced fumble.

Game over.

Stroud finished with 274 yards and two touchdowns, and Houston absolutely looked capable of competing with Buffalo.

But Allen was Allen.

UNJACKED: Josh Allen.

JACKED: Having to stop Josh Allen with the game on the line.

CARDINALS 26, CHARGERS 14

Arizona might not be messing around.

The Cardinals went into SoFi and beat the Chargers by 12.

That’s not exactly the Week 1 start the Chargers were looking for.

And Arizona?

They’re 1-0.

It’s one game, so nobody start engraving anything yet.

But winning on the road against the Chargers gets my attention.

UNJACKED: Arizona.

JACKED: Chargers fans already wondering what happened.

VIKINGS 39, PACKERS 22

Green Bay might want a do-over.

Minnesota put 39 on Green Bay in a division game.

That’s a statement.

These teams know each other. They don’t like each other. And Week 1 immediately gave Minnesota a divisional win.

Starting the season by giving up 39 to Minnesota?

Not exactly the opening Packers fans were looking for.

UNJACKED: Minnesota.

JACKED: Green Bay’s first impression.

RAIDERS 27, DOLPHINS 13

Well, that started pretty well for Vegas.

Las Vegas beat Miami by two touchdowns.

It’s Week 1, so nobody really knows what either team is going to become yet.

But now we know a little more.

Raiders: pretty good first impression.

Dolphins: not so much.

Again…

ONE GAME.

Nobody panic.

Okay, Miami fans can panic a little.

UNJACKED: Raiders.

JACKED: Miami’s Week 1.

EAGLES 24, COMMANDERS 22

Welcome back to NFC East stress.

Two points.

That’s it.

Philadelphia escaped with a 24-22 win over Washington, and both teams immediately look like they’re going to make this division annoying all season.

For Philly, you take the win and move on.

For Washington, losing by two on the road isn’t exactly a reason to declare the season dead.

This is precisely why everyone needs to calm down after Week 1.

Unless you’re Cleveland.

I’m still thinking about Cleveland.

GIANTS 28, COWBOYS 20

That’s a pretty good way to start if you’re a Giants fan.

New York beat Dallas 28-20 on Sunday Night Football.

A division win over the Cowboys is about as good a Week 1 result as Giants fans could ask for.

I’m not suddenly declaring New York a Super Bowl team after one game.

Remember the entire point of this article:

CALM DOWN.

But starting 1-0 by beating Dallas?

Giants fans can enjoy that one.

UNJACKED: New York.

JACKED: Cowboys fans having to listen to Giants fans all week.

AND WE’RE STILL NOT DONE

Week 1 isn’t technically over.

Tonight:

BRONCOS AT CHIEFS

Kansas City.

Monday Night Football.

The Chiefs open at home against Denver.

Two teams.

One final game.

Then we can officially overreact to everybody.

SO WHAT DID WE LEARN?

Absolutely nothing.

Okay, that’s not true.

We learned Baltimore looks scary.

Buffalo still has Josh Allen.

Chicago apparently decided scoring 30 wasn’t enough.

Detroit survived a crazy one.

Jacksonville looked really good.

The Jets are somehow 1-0.

And Cleveland…

Well…

Cleveland looked Jacked.

But it’s Week 1.

Nobody has won the Super Bowl.

Nobody has been eliminated.

Everybody calm down.

Almost everybody.

Tomorrow we’ll probably start overreacting again.

Because that’s sports.

And if it’s sports and it’s Jacked Up, we cover it.